*I actually wrote this a long time ago when I was really really lonely and sad. I don't feel that way right now... but reading it made me want to post it for some reason. I guess because it's really true and deep... for me at least. I've never written anything like it before. Me thinks I should write more like this one; really explore my feelings and actions. Maybe even go deeper... if possible.*
*P.S.
I was just writing my thoughts, so there are a lot of grammatical errors, and the "...." in the middle of sentences is me pausing in thought. haha there are a lot of pauses in there. and i mention "luv" at the end. He's my most loved male friend that i've gotten into the habit of calling "luv"... which is why it's spelled that way.*


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*sigh* i'm such a bother. i wouldn't even bother with myself. so... why would anyone else. after getting to know me... they wouldn't... would they?! *sigh*

i... don't even know how i feel right now. if i even feel anything at all. is that normal? idk if i feel good... *i doubt that*.... i think i wanna cry.... but i can't. that would be crazy; to cry for no reason. but there is a reason... right? there must be or i wouldn't even have an urge. so then, now that's it's established that i want to cry... why do i want to cry?

...i think i have to look deep down inside myself for that answer, but... i'm afraid. i don't think i'll like what i find. maybe my heart is all shriveled up. but that wouldn't explain how i could possibly love at all... if my heart is shriveled up. so then... what am i afraid of? ...the truth? maybe i'll realize that everything my big brother labels me as... is true. no... that CAN'T be because then... that would mean that i'm... selfish and unthoughtful. but i'm not selfish... am i? sure i like to have things my way... but i always put others before myself... right? i have the hardest time turning people down and it makes me happy to see others happy. thus... my happiness is derived from the happiness of others. but... that could just mean that i'm gullible and... ruled by my emotions? .... is that good? is it a good thing to get the most joy out of life when, and only when, i make other people... smile? wait... that CAN'T be the only thing that makes me happy the most! okay... let's see. i enjoy drawing... right? *sigh* but... what if i only enjoyed doing it because it's one of the few things i'm actually... good at? and still... it doesn't really.... make me smile. more than anything it's... just a hobby.

so THEN what? let's see. i love to read... but the only kinds of books i like to read are fiction. anything other than fiction just... doesn't snag my attention. that can't be good, but... it's true. *sigh* i think every time i read fiction it takes me away from this world and to.... to what? ... a better place? but then... that would mean that i don't enjoy being here... right? well... i have to be honest with myself. i... don't like my body. i'm not a very good artist. i have no motivation. i have the worst memory in the world. i'm lazy and i'm... alone. *sigh* once i actually think about it... i hate my life, but i'm thankful enough not to complain... right? aren't i complaining now? .... no... i don't think i am. i'm just... overly sad right now. i'm not a very talkative person. i honestly don't think i have anything bottled up in me that's even remotely worth listening to. i'm a very... boring person.

that must be why i've lost contact with a lot of my dearest friends. *sigh* so then... why am i always overcome with the urge to... try again? to start anew? why do i always want to meet new people? it's a thrill... and an anxiety... making new friends. i love meeting new people, but... what happens after the introductions are over? what if me and my new "friend" have... nothing worth discussing? ...do i just drop them and continue on my way? No... i couldn't and wouldn't possibly do that! *sigh* but... now what? why must i continue trying to make contact with someone who only found me interesting... for a minute? and i them? that leads to me just being... another number in their "buddy" list... right? that must be why, out of about 86 "buddies"... i only talk to about 4 of them. but those 4 are the ones i enjoy talking to the most! we made a connection... didn't we? they... make me smile.... so much. so then, why have i lost contact with them as well? i'm entitled to moods.... right?

sometimes... i just don't feel like talking to them... or anyone else for that matter. sometimes, i come online just to surf the web and watch videos. but lately... my ability to keep in touch with them, regardless of my mood, has been minimum. the internet connection... or should i say "lack of" connection... keeps me away from my sweeties. *sigh* it makes me die a little inside... knowing that some of them have probably forgotten about me... and could care less if i stay in touch anymore. and it's all my fault.

it's been so long since last i've made contact with them. *sniffle*... they didn't even wish me a happy birthday. .... not even luv. i mentioned it... in bold, bright colors on my profile about two weeks before my actual b-day... and still... nothing. well... one of my college buddies remembered! so... that's one person! i'm a little happy inside!

*sigh*... so then... why do i STILL feel like crying? i think... i think, more than anything, i need... a hug. a real, honest to goodness hug. nothing sympathetic either. that would only make me want to cry harder. ...i ...i want to feel... *sigh* ... i need to feel someone's arms... wrap around me. i... need to know that i...

am loved.